What to do When Your Boyfriend Yells at You? (9 Tips)

In this brief guide, we will discuss what to do when your boyfriend yells at you, as well as other topics about yelling, like signs of domestic abuse (verbal, emotional and physical), and anxiety from hearing yelling or sensitivity to yelling.

What to do When Your Boyfriend Yells at You?

When your boyfriend yells at you, you need to either leave the situation immediately or end the conversation right there till he is able to talk in a manner more suited to that of a partner.

Yelling in a relationship is a strict no, regardless of who is doing it, and there is nothing constructive about yelling at your boyfriend or girlfriend. Such situations often arise in the heat of the moments and it is important to understand that it is a reaction that is based on feelings (temporary state) rather than emotions (long lasting state).

Here are some other things you can do when your boyfriend yells at you:

  • Calmly and politely tell them to lower their voice.
  • Leave the situation.
  • Take a deep breath and drink some water.
  • Try to count to 10 and force yourself to relax with the count.
  • Tell them that it is not okay to yell at you.
  • Try therapy.
  • Talk to a common friend and have a sit down.
  • When he stops yelling, ask if everything is okay and why he lost his temper.
  • Make it clear that yelling behavior is not okay and if nothing else works, leave.

When your boyfriend is yelling at you, he is acting in a way that is aggressive and mean, and that behavior needs to be shut down immediately.

Even if your boyfriend is the best person in the world otherwise, and in the middle of an argument that you entered into willingly, or in the middle of a passionate debate he starts to raise his voice or starts yelling when you are not, you need to stop him and tell him it is not okay, especially if you are sensitive to that sort of thing.

Many people are more sensitive to yelling because of their upbringing or generally because they notice things more or because their sensory processes are more acute than that of others, whatever the reason, these individuals can be more susceptible to experiencing the negative effects of being yelled at compared to others.

If you are someone like this, then your boyfriend yelling at you can also be particularly difficult, because it can make you go into an anxiety attack or depression, if it starts happening too often.

Yelling and Screaming in Relationships

Yelling and screaming in relationships, whether it is a boyfriend or girlfriend who is yelling, can also be indicative of depression, especially if it is the man doing the yelling, because depression in men can often manifest as aggression, irritability or annoyance.

Men who yell more at their spouses or partners tend to be depressed or stressed in a lot of cases, but instead of experiencing the symptoms of depression or anxiety that people commonly experience, they act out by yelling at the spouse instead.

If your boyfriend or husband or partner has suddenly started yelling and screaming at you need to get in touch with him properly when he is not agitated and see if he is experiencing other symptoms of depression.

Yelling and screaming in relationships can also lead to a break in the relationship so no matter who is doing the yelling, it is important to address it in a calm, rational way.

Yelling and screaming can be a symptom of masked depression, which is a condition that may be seen very often in men, so if there are other symptoms like not eating or sleeping right or if your husband or boyfriend has recently started being particularly impulsive and aggressive, it may be a sign of masked depression.

However, you also need to consider that maybe they were just being nice and different in the beginning of the relationship because it was the beginning, and now they are yelling and screaming because that is who they are.

Anxiety From Being Yelled At

When your boyfriend yells at you you can not only feel bad, you can also experience anxiety, which is actually a very common thing because our brain processes yelling as an aggressive response and when this happens, there is fear and anxiety so our body can pool its resources and flee the situation.

Anxiety from being yelled at is not at all uncommon, in fact it is one of the most common psychological effects of being yelled at, apart from depression and interpersonal tensions.

Anxiety from being yelled at might arise when someone yells at you when you least expect it all the time, and you are unable to figure out the antecedent-behavior-consequence relationship between your behavior and someone yelling at you.

When the person yelling at you is also seen as stronger than you in some way, this anxiety can be even worse, because our subconscious reads it as a threat.

The person yelling at you could be your boss, your parent, or even your partner, but if they yell at you randomly, and your mind registers that there is no rhyme or reason to their yelling and you can’t anticipate it, you start getting what is known as Anticipatory Anxiety.

Anticipatory Anxiety is common in Panic disorders and it mostly refers to the feeling of foreboding that something bad is about to happen.

Anxiety or foreboding about something bad happening makes sense when we consider that the human reactions to someone yelling at us are those of fight or flight, and as such, there is a great deal of stress involved in the situation.

If you are getting anxiety from being yelled at you might want to do something about it, or ideally get out of the situation, as it can lead to some nasty long-term effects if you don’t take care of it at the outset.

Where there is stress, there is usually anxiety, and many people may experience anxiety from being yelled at for this very reason because their minds and body are stressed out and they feel powerless in the face of possible danger, and this causes great discomfort.

When is Yelling a sign of Verbal Abuse?

You may wonder when yelling becomes verbal abuse, because many of us lose our temper sometimes, and yell, but there is a difference between yelling constantly and yelling in an abusive way.

The biggest distinction between yelling and verbal abuse is that when someone yelling at you gets more and more aggressive as you ask them to stop, or just does not listen to you pleading that it hurts you significantly to hear yelling, you can consider it to be verbal abuse.

Abuse is any condition where there is malicious aggression towards one person which does not go away regardless of what they do, and this can take any form, verbal, physical, or emotional.

A crucial distinction to be made here is whether the yelling is verbal abuse or if it is just a one time thing, and if it is in fact a one time thing, and is followed by apologies and proper remorse, and they promise never to do it again or eek therapy, it won’t count as abuse.

Abuse is something that has a pattern and happens over time, and it is generally not changeable through just talking, and though the person may sometimes apologize for their abuse, they may continue to do it.

You also need to check if the person yelling has raised their voice to prove a point or to emphasize their opinion or argument, at which point it is not abusive, and may just be them trying to argue their favor.

Another important distinction to make between someone yelling at you and verbal abuse is to see how if you are being allowed to make your point just as well and is it hurting you massively in some way? If the answers are no and yes, respectively, then your husband yelling at you is definitely verbal abuse in this case.

Some other signs of an abusive relationship are as follows:

  • Ignoring or excluding you.
  • Extramarital affairs.
  • Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
  • Humiliating or embarrassing you.
  • Constant put-downs.
  • Hypercriticism.
  • Refusing to communicate.
  • Making everything your fault.
  • Isolating you from friends and family.
  • Using money to control.
  • Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
  • Threatening to commit suicide if you leaves
  • Tone of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
  • Unreasonable jealousy.
  • Extreme moodiness.
  • Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
  • Saying “I love you but…”
  • Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
  • Domination and control.
  • Withdrawal of affection.
  • Guilt trips.
  • Yelling or shouting

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you can call the emergency services in your area, like 911, or you can reach out at one of these helplines:

Conclusion

In this brief guide, we discussed what to do when your boyfriend yells at you, as well as other topics about yelling, like signs of domestic abuse (verbal, emotional and physical), and anxiety from hearing yelling or sensitivity to yelling.

When your partner, whether it is your boyfriend girlfriend, husband or wife, starts yelling at you, that is something you need to end before it has a chance to begin, because yelling is a behavior that does not go away easily on its own and if they have done it once, you can be sure they will do it again.

Yelling at your partner should never be okay, even if you are stressed out, because you are meant to be equals, and yelling removes equality from the equation because it is an aggressive behavior.

If you are suffering any kind of abuse or constant yelling from your partner, you should reach out at one of the helplines mentioned in this blog, and you should try to get away from the situation as fast as you can.

If you have any questions or comments about what to do when your boyfriend yells at you, please feel free to reach out to us at any time.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): What to do when your boyfriend yells at you?

Is it normal for my boyfriend to yell at me?

No, it is not normal for your boyfriend to yell at you, because constantly yelling at someone can be considered verbal abuse, and yelling at someone can cause them to feel a great deal of anxiety and fear, which is obviously not good for the relationship.

Another thing to bear in mind is that when your boyfriend yells at you, it means he is being aggressive towards you, and that is never a good thing to have in a relationship.

Is it OK to shout at your partner?

No, it is not ok to should your partner, because it removes the respect and equality from the relationship and behaviors such as yelling, screaming, abusive language, etc. damage the other person’s self-image, self-esteem, and their overall mental health. 

Shouting generally creates a very toxic environment for everyone involved, and nothing good ever comes out of yelling either, because everyone is miserable at the end of it.

How do I stop yelling in a relationship?

To stop yelling in a relationship you need to sit down and assess your mental health, try to figure out why you keep yelling, because it is possible that you are suffering from stress or anxiety of your own.

Other things you can do to stop yelling in a relationship involve:

Take a deep breath, stay calm and try not to give in to the impulse to shout.
Take a different perspective to things 
Don’t agree with the person just because they are shouting.
Ask for a break.
Consider couples or family therapy.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship refers to “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”

The term Toxic relationship was coined by a communication and psychology expert known as Lillian Glass, in her 1995 book Toxic People.

Citations

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201508/does-your-partner-have-rage-attacks-heres-what-do

https://time.com/5274206/toxic-relationship-signs-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/